You need more than physical and sexual attraction – you should be getting an initial sense of their values and whether they treat you with care, trust and respect, and of course match words with actions.
If you’re not getting to know them or you are, and are experiencing things that are at the very least proceed with caution signals or at their worst, full on abort mission signals, this is because you’ve already decided to commit, regardless.
Generally speaking, to get to the point of going on a date, there is some level of attraction there.
However, unless you’re superficial or living in Lala Land, the point of dating is to build on the attraction, get to know the person, and ensure that whatever ideas and assumptions you have are grounded in reality.
I’ve been emphasising something over the past few months that I feel it’s time to revisit: Dating is a discovery phase.
Use the period from when you meet whether it starts out online or in the ‘real world’ as an opportunity for you both to discover the ‘facts’ about one another and assimilate whether you want to progress…or opt out.
These include respecting others and having healthy emotional boundaries (knowing where one person ends and the other person begins).
Ideally, I’d like to think they were all looking for a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust, and respect…but a lot of people don’t know what a relationship looks like, never mind a healthy one – they just know they want one. So badly in fact, that I hear too many tales of people going into fixing/helping/healing/arguing/crisis management mode when they hardly know their dates. Desperation and insecurity either draw in shady people or filter out decent people as it’s kind of exhausting.
There are amiable, civilized divorces, and then there are bitter, vindictive divorces—along with everything in-between.
The bottom line: it does not really help you to make assumptions about a group of people based on articles.
You may feel that you have a lot in common – you might, you might not and you will never know this unless you put in the time and discover.
This whole treating dating like a relationship not only sets you up for major disappointment because you’re going in too seriously, but you end up having an attitude like people should come with a dossier and a certificate giving them a clean bill of relationship health.
And if his ex really did a number on this guy, it would make sense that he would have some bad feelings towards her.