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Katz told me AIM “was a way we learned to enact pleasure or demonstrate that we were feeling pleasure, even and especially if we weren’t.” At the same time we were using AIM, my best friends and I were also listening to NSync.We were fans, but we made fun of one song: “Digital Get Down.” We thought it was “awkward” how NSync made a song about asking some girl to touch herself on a webcam.Today, we might not need to be secretive about learning how to have phone sex.There seem to be no limits to the sexual explicitness we consume in music and TV and film.Marla M12 was instant-messaging me a guide to phone sex: “Practice saying things like, ‘You make me so hot’ …the basics can be extraordinarily arousing when they’re said out of context or in a different situation.” For women like me who were teens and preteens in the late 1990s and early 2000s, that “different situation” was AIM (AOL Instant Messenger).

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“Do you remember what it felt like for a relative stranger to be like: ‘I see you’? It felt like cartwheeling down a moving walkway, going with the flow and yet still sticking the landing.

But developing a sexual identity was as difficult as choosing a screen name.

“Teens used the service to flirt through text, engaging in a form of written flirtation that looked a lot more like letter-writing practices decades before,” says Danah Boyd, author of “It’s Complicated: The Social Lives of Networked Teens.” That written flirtation allowed young women to construct their identities as carefully as their away messages. But online, my friends and I who fashioned ourselves as budding intellectuals who didn’t need to always talk like characters in a Woody Allen movie.

We planned Halloween costumes and epic homecoming sleepovers.

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Today, such requests seem tame compared to the sort of sexual coercion marking Harvey Weinstein and other sexual harassers.

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