There’s been a revolution in sexual practices that passed me by (have you seen Tinder? I’m a dinosaur – a missionary man in a reverse-cowgirl world. Inane openers do break the ice, but stop you from reaching anything deeper. I crave male company so go home and watch Expendables II. I discover that coffee dates can work when you’re not in the office headspace. I tell her I was running late and had to elbow a granny out of the way to get off the train. The scatter-gun concept works: by the time I meet my fourth woman, the jitters that can ruin a more conventional date are gone.
I meet a former colleague, C, who I’ve been lusting after for years. It’s a pretty good pie, too, but she doesn’t go over.
Are we now so dependent on apps and online dating, and just how do you navigate the app-happy dating pool of today? I used to, and I think at times I might even have enjoyed it. S from Tinder is smiley and chatty with faultless social skills. Wine with M from Lovestruck – the first date I’ve really enjoyed, and the first woman I found attractive just by looking at her photo.
One staffer was set a challenge to get as many online dates as he could, to play the numbers game and come out the other side. But after one romantic disaster too many, I reviewed my dating history and concluded there was something wrong either with a) every girl I’d ever dated or b) me. R from Lovestruck is Japanese – lovely, totally incomprehensible. When she was a baby she was kissed by Marshal Tito. She’s Italian, sort of like a sexless Sophia Loren. The algorithms that sites such as Lovestruck use to match people seem somewhat redundant post-Tinder, where appearance is everything. After a couple of false starts, I unwittingly use a blinding opener to attract C: “Nice bracelet.” This half-arsed hello is, remarkably, golden.
(Related: a lunch date with the most exciting woman in food - Gizzi Erskine) I spend Sunday evening with F, a petite Spanish peasant from Lovestruck.
She’s furious about the amount of tax she pays in the UK; I pick up the bill for her three large Merlots and head home alone.
Here’s our guide to staying safe online Internet dating allows you to access a pool of people you’d never normally have the chance to meet.
And in the case of e Harmony, matches you up with other compatible members, to ensure that when you do meet you’ll have a great basis for a relationship.
For the next month, I’m going to date as many women as possible. I’m met by E at a Tube station on a freezing Sunday night. She’s from Lovestruck, originally from Riga, and works in Mayfair for an oil company. I suspect she would put out if we met over wine, rather than coffee and cake. Sublime planning means I only have to walk 100m to my next date, B from Lovestruck, who sadly hasn’t walked 100m herself in quite some time. Delightfully dim but, that apart, she’s not my type.
But, the more you put in, the more you’ll get out of the process.
Share your internet dating adventures with a friend, and if they’re single get them to join your search for love online. Remember you’re joining a pretty big club of over 5 million people – you’re not alone!
If you’re nervous of posting a photo for privacy reasons, remember that e Harmony only shows your profile to people we match you with – no-one can search for your profile.
And of course, if you’re still anxious, you can choose not to post a photo, it’s totally up to you.
Hunting for women is already preventing me from doing more enjoyable things; I have Chapman Pincher on my Kindle. It removes any thrill – a concern considering I have eight dates scheduled for the next two days.